Practicing faith when it would be easier not to.
I’m struck with a deep sense of dichotomy when I hear and read about the “deconstructed Christian.” I feel torn between the terms— I feel both words with a weight that makes me want to explain myself… so I will. Writing this helps me articulate and process where I am with my faith and with religious identification too, and maybe (hopefully) it will help you too. This post is about reconstructing a religious identity when deconstructing Christianity hits home.
____
For me, I can read through stories and scenarios, the rattling, unraveling, wavering and sometimes even renouncing one’s faith in God once fully experiencing the world and humanity– for better and worse. Because once you realize and voice both the muck and the magic you’ve witnessed, you are softened in that brokenness, opened in by those wounds, and then met with the expansive and endless world that is colored by so much more than you’d ever dreamed or knew existed.
In so many ways, the words around this phraseology of deconstruction hit me in my gut so hard that my internal (and sometimes audible) sigh of relief sounds the same as the end of my stream of consciousness, rambling rants to God that end with a resounding & relieved “AMEN.” There are certain times I say “amen” following a prayer that feels like a full period, end-stop after a long, winding run through the mud… as if to communicate “I just can't anymore”-- the emphatic conclusion after exhaustion is reached. In those moments I too feel relieved that the words are out and I’ve said my peace to God & am figuratively washing my hands of what’s on my heart and in my head.
In reading and hearing the journeys of those deconstructing Christianity, I frequently feel a similar kind of relief, a consolation and even repose maybe, for these narratives being spoken. I feel at liberty to speak into this because I know the feelings behind the veil… the cumulative sadness, bitterness, anger, rage, and fear too. I can connect and deeply relate to the actual scenarios and sentiments of those doing the deconstruction and reconstruction because I’ve breathed similar air… I mean it feels like these people are kindred spirits in some way, an interconnected tribe of testifiers. There’s even a companionship that comes in reading the accounts of folks like, “Wow– there ARE more with their eyes open, those who have really FELT the same way I have.”
We all know there’s a comfort in community, solace in solidarity. But we interchange that comfort and solidarity and confuse it at times with peace. Peace in common culture feels like calm amidst chaos, harmony in similarity, amity in friendship– a fellowship of sorts.
What this collective cultural sigh of relief lacks though is a release of what has been, the wrong-doing and the hurt and the harm we’ve endured but also inflicted… the mercy that marks forgiveness. Showing mercy to those who’ve hurt us, and releasing the outcomes is a bold and brave act that holds the power to elicit real peace that can penetrate an aching soul, not placate it.
Research shows that there's a lot of residual effects as the reckoning with the heaviness of harboring so much sets in… the lament of what was lost, the carrying of confusion, the exhaustion of trauma. Writhing in our mind turns to weariness in our skin and our bodies just can’t anymore… which sinks into the holes in our hearts and travels back up to our heads. We can no longer hold space and time and energy for those who did not do the same for us. I absolutely believe in boundaries in relationships and even cutting ties when necessary. I do not believe, however, in giving up the “construct” of Truth and Love for the sake of “my truth” and communal condolences. Call me what you will, but this deconstructionist has a testimony to tell so help me God.
People will fail each other, and that includes me and you. We won’t always get it right, or even come close at times. But when we overtly and emphatically walk away from the faith we once had– that is, if we ever really knew it for what it was at its origin– because of the people that spoiled the “right” execution of that belief system for us, we are perpetuating the hypocrisy narratives we’re trying to escape, just from a different vantage point.
We may claim it’s leaving captivity or enchanted entrapments of black and white thinking, we can call it freedom, but it is in fact a trading of our stories…
We exchange any semblance of any absolutes or right way or for our personal “truths” that are limited by our restricted vantage points. We “hate nothing” which actually means we don’t love anything either.
We venture down the road more traveled, the popular path away from “rigid religion” leaving the narrow behind. That mentality is mired with apathy and fear too– recognized or not– and marked by a perpetual hopelessness in our humanity and in the Creator that gifted the magic that is this world to us.
I’m not going to lie to you. Deconstructing Christianity has some serious perks that don’t come with staying beside your beliefs and walking with faith (in God or people). It is so much easier to believe that the Universe simply is and we simply exist in our silos and what matters most is the here and now. To believe that people are deep down disillusioned and deceived into believing what their professed religion tells them to believe blindly.
Deconstructing Christianity doesn’t require as much resilience or recognition of our own faults and shortcomings, it points the finger at everyone else. Because when we choose this path we can do what we please, when we please and it’s seen as love and liberty. Without sacrificing or self-restraint, we just loudly live unapologetically seemingly without recourse or consequence.
This conscious decision to “deconstruct” our religion points to ourselves and our happiness as the source of significance. This choice is masked by self-preservation, safety and solace. It is not limitless though— quite the opposite rather. It is actually self-seeking and short-sighted, extremely finite. Deconstructionists repress our shared internal longings for supernatural and eternal meaning, for the making of legacies and legends. They wouldn’t tell you that, but by relinquishing the structures that speak to the extension of life beyond this mortality— what makes a soul— effectively they are renouncing that this life matters at all. And they dismiss their own desires to make things right, to heal and restore to whole living. If the way to live is simply by being present, to “just be” and pursue our own pleasures and purposes, how come we’re still restless ?
Think about it… Why in the world do we fight for humanity, do we vote for the direction of our nations, do we call out for justice and peace if the Universe has it all under control?
We crave dignity, respect, love and truth because we are intrinsically wired for those things and for the peace that is produced by faithfulness.
Let’s remember that we did not wire ourselves so it must come from somewhere else… that hardware in our human nature and even our DNA is not something we put there, so what makes us so haughty we believe that we nurtured it into existence? Or for that matter that we could fill those voids on our own?
What if we decided as a group of grieving hearts to relinquish what could’ve been, what wasn’t there when we needed it or craved it, or how it should’ve gone– what could happen? We would taste Freedom and Love that supersedes our scenarios. A different kindred community that is marked by grace, humility and the hope for what could be beyond this life, followed by the peace that’s offered in the present pain. This hope and peace allows us an endless abundance of joy, of full living NOW that isn’t constrained or defined by our past experiences or future fears of it happening again.
We can make a conscious choice to “unbelieve”... but then what? That choice is cheap and in some cases cowardly. Cheap in the sense that it costs less than believing still, despite the difficult and deeply dark. Cowardly in the sense that it’s for the faint of heart, cowering in fear about “What if it happens again? What if there’s more hurt ahead?”
I was inches away from that choice for years. But when we walk away from a belief system because people have perpetrated and persecuted– sometimes those that showed us that way to begin with– we sacrifice the meaning of our entire existence. We can walk away at the individual level and get some space and maybe some clarity. We can take another step and cancel Christianity at the collective level and get some respite from the self-righteous, but if we stay there, we become that too, just in a different context.
In my own examination and uncoiling of my religion and the belief system that upheld it, I too realized I was facing hypocrisy on all sides. People around me couldn’t uphold the way of Jesus. But then I had to admit to myself, nor could I.
I realized I was cut from the same cloth as “them”, and yet, I had frayed edges and was admittedly undone at best while others had hemmed their edges and remained bound by their dense defenses. Our differences were really a matter of humility and grace… the true marker of contrite Christians.
Some of us out here in the world know that we are hurting and wound others out of our own brokenness… and we speak it, acknowledge it, and still aspire to and aim for integrity and wholeness as best as we can with God by our side. But there are others out here who dismiss, deny and downright blindly defend the Jesus they haven’t met yet perhaps because they’ve not been as deeply severed or burdened, or possibly because they just aren’t self-aware by ignorance or by intent.
Despite bearing a barrage of criticism, those who view Jesus as an authority of power and restoration ought to hold space for (and engage with) the questions and concerns of those wrestling with their own beliefs. Real believers are not holier-than-thou or taut with judgement and condescension. They do not haunt those who don’t share their convictions trying to “convert” them for the sake of another soul won over as a badge of honor for themselves. They are instead brave enough to share their stories, their own strife and struggle so that they may connect and commune with their neighbor as humans, and love their neighbor as themselves.
As deconstructionists bear witness to their perspectives, it seems more necessary even for Christians— who still even vaguely consider themselves as such— to testify and show evidence of where God was in their trials and triumphs too. Not where other Christians were or weren’t oftentimes, but where GOD showed up. To approach authenticity with our spirituality and faith, we ought to be known for our self-awareness and seeking forgiveness, showing grace, forging ahead without assumptions AND asking a lot of questions of ourselves and others too. We ought to look for the root behind the facade on the surface, and do not tap out or fake it when it gets hard and heavy.
We all tell our stories… but how do we tell them? What are we pointing to in our telling? Back to ourselves or to a Source behind it all… Where did our design and bend toward truth and justice and goodness come from? Why do we care, have compassion, seek answers at all and get passionate about this life?
So here’s my final call to action, if you ever considered or still consider yourself a Christian OR you are unearthing what that ever meant to begin with, DO dig around about the source of it… the structure that it occupies, sort out your beliefs and WHY you believe then. But tread lightly, hesitate to renounce the root of it all just because the Church (aka— people) failed you. Of course the system did, because it’s made up of other hurting humans, wounded and usually untreated. But can that be escaped outside of a religious context? Are any of us exempt from being harmed or harming others intentionally or not?
No matter what side of the aisle you fall on about religion or lack thereof, you will still experience loneliness, isolation, desperation, suffering and pain. Our desires to be known and understood and impactful are universal because we were made that way. Dissent and deconstruction alone cannot dismantle the individual or collective hypocrisy + haughtiness we are all susceptible too, “believers” or not. But holding to one’s identification as a Christian in this post-Christian culture looks like humility, mercy and graciousness… and, hopefully, some unity in acknowledging our need for healing and wholeness.
Yes, do the work. And realize that “the work” is not simply to dismantle and disagree what you once were told was true. That instills a false freedom. Rather, as you aspire to heal and become whole, don’t forget to question where that desire to do so comes from. Don’t just walk away from a whole ideology and set of values and convictions because some people who claimed them as well also hurt you. Be quick to forgive and show grace. Be humble on your way and human through and through.
Godspeed + grace abounding to you, my friends.
Kindly,
Kelsey