13 Years of Therapy Prepared Me for This: How to Choose Change Over Comfort & Learn to Like Yourself Again
I shared something this week on social media that made me really stop and think. It was a clip from an Oprah interview where Oprah asked the interviewee what one question every woman (I’d say every person) should ask themselves… and the respondent replied:
“Do I really like myself?... Do I really like myself when I’m in my room, by myself, when I’m with myself, do I like who I am? – If the answer is no, then you do some work to make sure you do…”
That’s the thing. I can like myself far more easily when I see a heart on social media, when a friend encourages me, when Micah speaks something to me that I cannot see, etc… But what about void of all the affirmations, acknowledgements and accolades – what then? Am I more than just okay with who I am (becoming) but do I actually, really and honestly, like me? Would I choose me as a confidant, someone to be in community with, someone to look up to?
This Monday, I’m starting a plan to live hyper intentionally for 90-days. I’m calling it “On Purpose Living: A 13-Week Lifestyle Reset” Sounds intense because, well, it definitely is. These coming few months are me being willing to make a conscious choice to embody discipline and mental strength, repeatedly and consistently. I want to live a healthier lifestyle AND become someone I look up to. That’s what I want to move towards in this challenge— to be able to look in the mirror and sincerely look up to her.
Many of my friends know my story of why I’ve been in therapy. If your new here, go read previous series called Lost in My Mind… it lays the groundwork for what started it all. In my years of counseling since, I’ve healed many old wounds, battled my past and present demons, and learned to love myself without conditions or inhibitions along the way… but liking myself to the point of admiration, that’s another story. Sometimes I do, oftentimes I don’t. It’s a tug-of-war between me enjoying who I am and feeling like I’m not enough – not strong enough, not doing enough, not the person I want to be.
I realize the length of this challenge makes it seem like a one-and-done type of thing, but from my vantage point, it’s really more of a launchpad to a new level of commitment to myself. I’m not trying to change for the sake of changing. Not at all. I’m actually here for the slow, gritty evolution of me, the seasonality, the ebbs and flows of becoming a more refined version of myself SO THAT I can wholeheartedly say with gumption, “I love me, and I really, REALLY like myself, too.” I believe when you can see the bright light within yourself, it’s much easier and more intuitive to see and love the spark in your neighbor too.
In many ways, I think the past decade of my life has prepared me for this. Primarily through my self-discovery journey and road “back to me” I’ve been walking alongside a few trusted therapists. That concept of “the road back to me” might sound strange, but when I say that I mean I feel like I’ve gone on a literal treasure hunt to find out who I am and what events, experiences, people and places have molded me into this person that I am. At the same time, this uncovering process helped me remember the pieces of me that I misplaced along the way , even some that I thought I’d lost for good. All of this has laid bricks, if you will, for another difficult road. The process of looking back helped me love the present me, while this upcoming journey is so the present me can begin really believing that the future me is waiting on the other side.
Within the sacred walls of a therapist’s office over the past decade, I’ve “done the work” beginning as a wide-eyed 22-year-old. If I had to guess the number of hours I have spent with therapists and counselors– both individually and in groups– well it’s close to 1,000 hours. Between acute stays in hospitals where there’s at least 5 hours of some kind of therapy everyday, and the outpatient, everyday kind of 1-1.5 hour sessions, it’s a lot of time– 25 full-time work weeks to be exact. Choosing to show up to this “practice” of self-exposure and exploration has, in so many ways, primed the next path forward.
I feel like this decision to embark on this reset challenge toward refinement is one path onward at a fork in the road. I could easily go another way with far less resistance, far less action required – and that would be even less surrender. Less letting go, more holding onto the familiar, the comfortable and the known. Instead, I’m choosing the unknown. I’m choosing to bet on the woman I want to be this next week, next month, next season, next year and beyond. I’m releasing the fearful girl of my past that’s become so woven into my identity, and embracing the fierce thirty-something woman who knows there more to be had.
My therapeutic process began as a crisis response post a manic high come-down to begin to understand how I got to that scenario which evolved into a multi-year series, a saga. As I logged more hours, more sessions, the reprocessing turned into reprogramming, rather organically at that. The dialogue – often more monologue with intermittent interjections– became less of a task, a thing to check off my list, and instead a way of moving through the world. With my choice to express myself by voicing the hard, uncomfortable truth and emotions sitting in that chair, I was slowly but surely able to integrate that vulnerability and prioritization of my own needs out in the wild world, in my own everyday environment.
The pursuit of understanding who and why I am the way that I am, for better or worse, is the biggest and bravest YES I’ve gifted myself. I would say marriage is right up there and on par. But frankly, if you choose a relationship, a partnership with another soul in process, and you don’t deal with your own shadows and saltiness, you’re in more of a dilemma than a dynamic.
As many of you know from experience or maybe vicarious observation, starting therapy is quite a terrifying endeavor. The questions that precede even the first session are plaguing:
What will they think of me? How will this change how I see myself? Do I have to say THAT out loud? What if I don’t know what to say, where to start? How long will it take to build trust? What if it changes my faith, my marriage, my family relationships, my friend circles? How do I know it’s working? How long will it take? Is this really worth the work?
Walking into a stranger’s office and being asked:
“So, what brings you here?”
It was such a jarring question. I think my first session I responded with:
“I’m not really sure. I need help. I thought that’s why I’m paying you?”
Despite my slightly spicy attitude and irreverent approach, we got somewhere. Well, we got a lot of places over those first few weeks, and then more history in the coming months, and then more present and pragmatic as more months, then years went by. I began to submerge my mind and spirit into the unknown. I began to see that if I didn’t reflect on what had been, I would continue to repeat history because the lessons weren’t being received, I was just reliving them over and over without learning the lesson(s), moving through life and simply trying to survive. I was choosing, week by week, month my month, to invest in myself.
Similar to the therapeutic journey, it’s daring and even feels dangerous to task myself with a set of nine disciplines everyday for 9 days. Yeah, nine pieces to complete every single day. Here’s the daily docket incase you want in:
Content intake. Read something that inspires growth everyday. I’ll be reading through the book of Proverbs, a chapter each day. Lord bring me wisdom.
Exercise. Move your body for 45 minutes.
Move again. Yes, one more and this one MUST be outside. Rain, shine, hell or high water.
Eat with intention. Whatever that means for you, eat well and eat the same “way” for the entirety of this challenge at every meal- no cheating! Lower your carbs, eliminate sugars, increase your protein, go paleo, ___ … you decide, but you commit and do it.
No alcohol. Not a sip or libation for 90 days. You don’t need it, so keep it sober for the challenge to increase clarity and focus.
Kind acts. Everyday, intentionally go out of your way to honor, be kind to or generous toward someone else. This could be an extra large tip, holding a door, writing a note to someone either online or through old-fashioned snail mail, or stopping to ask someone how their day is. This is a daring and counter-culture act to pay attention to your neighbor and engage with someone outside of yourself.
Get grounded. Connect with God (whatever you identify as your higher power/ Source) through a simple 3-step approach and document in a journal:
Ask for help - What’s one this you can surrender?
Express a gratitude - What’s one thing you’re thankful for right now?
Recognize the awesome - What wow-moment did you have today?
Hydrate. A gallon of water a day. No exceptions.
Document it. Take a photo of yourself each day so you can look back and see the growth. Up to you if you want to share.
There’s no doubt it’s risky. I’m denying myself of comfort and ease most certainly, and also risking utter disappointment. If it doesn’t go as planned, will I try again, or throw in the towel? And if I do that, then I’m faced with the real question – What belief am I holding onto that is keeping me from seeing this through, from moving towards the goal/mindset I’ve set for myself?
Therapy is a direct parallel.. I could repeat that same paragraph and it still fits. The thing is, not showing up for myself is more of a risk. Because what’s worse than fear of failure is the fear of not knowing if you’d fail if you set your mind on it. I’d rather learn a tough lesson about my character and confidence than be left always wondering what I was actually capable of.
My method to get myself through this 90-day challenge is to treat myself like I’m my own client, as if I am a therapist for myself. What do I mean? Therapists specialize in spotting and seeing through bullshit. They have this uncanny radar for deception and disillusionment. They bring light to the holes in our thought processes, and language to our lament, our languish and our feelings of lackluster. Ultimately, by asking questions and repeating the themes of your experiences and emotions back to you, they are ushering you into a more embodied and more honest existence. They elevate your belief in your own authority by showing how autonomous you really are, and allowing you to live with a more confident sense of character and a freer spirit.
See, I’ve steeped in this process for so long, I know my blindspots, my barriers and blockages. So, I’m appointing myself in these next 3 months to manifest all of the professional therapist vibes. (Yes, I’ll still be going to therapy, but I think you get the idea.) These past 13 years have primed me for the 13 weeks ahead. If anything, they’ve shown me quite literally how to observe myself as a third party, see what I am in control of and live as my own author, choosing every word, every paragraph break and punctuation mark.
You know how that saying goes, if you’re not growing you’re dying… Well, I’m done with tip-toeing my way towards growing, making a few steps forward and standing still. I don’t want to keep taking micro moves, baby steps towards the life I can dream up for myself.
I want to take a plunge, dive into the deep and prove to myself that I can do this and see where it propels me. Growth takes pruning, and refinement can be painstaking– a whole hell of a lot too when what’s being stripped from you are years of habits and familiarity, of known paths and patterns. And, it’s worth it.
I’m ready to radiate, to look in the mirror and say:
“I really like you, boo. You’re a real gem.”
So, what are you willing to risk to become the bigger, bolder, brighter version of you? What can you choose to do today, tomorrow and for the coming season to evolve, to choose to show up for yourself?
I hope you say YES to becoming, to growing new buds and tending to your being. Because if you don’t show up first for your own life, willing to risk for the reward, who’s going to do it for you? Make you proud, boo. I’m rooting for you!